Elevator

The man who invented the elevator died by falling down an elevator shaft.

I just saw the movie Valley Girl. In this movie, Nicolas Cage has a male sidekick who helps Nicolas Cage Get The Girl^tm. This sidekick is so obviously head over heels in love with Nicolas Cage that it’s embarrassing to watch. Every scene with the two of them has an unspoken scream on the sidekick’s lips of “sure The Girl’s cute, but why don’t you want me?”

Because this guy can’t have Nicolas Cage, he figures the next best thing would be to help Nicolas Cage Get The Girl^tm. It’s a selfless act of true love made all the more poignant by the fact that Nicolas Cage will never, ever know of the raging lavaflow of passion that runs dangerously close to the surface of his best buddy’s every sentence.

The man who invented the elevator died by falling down an elevator shaft.

I want to Make The World A Better Place^tm. I feel like the sidekick of Nicolas Cage in Valley Girl when I get an urge to Make The World A Better Place^tm. It’s like I have a closeted love for The World and I know that The World will never love me back so the only way that I can safely express my love for The World is to help Make The World A Better Place^tm.

I want to encourage creative yearnings, outstretch my hands to the struggling, and tell downtrodden people that we are all downtrodden people. I want to make of this place a holy bastion of love. I want wherever I am to feel like home. I want this for all people. In a doomed and ultimately unrewarding way that will never be recognized, I want to help Make The World A Better Place^tm.

The man who invented the elevator died by falling down an elevator shaft.


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Kids are great

Click on the image for a wonderful string of mesmerizing and disturbing pictures.






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Happy Easter

How to end a world’s race? How to entice children away from their parents? How to separate them and destroy an entire generation before working on the older ones?

Easter.

Black-skinned camouflage razor skin peeked out pink-eyed from underneath the dappled leaf shadows. Claws re-sheathed back and forth in anticipation. Huge incisors lay exposed over lips designed to widen wounds. The large aural receptors lay back along the body in the deathly stillness that surrounded each unit. Long back legs designed for speed and sharp turns quivered, taut, waiting for the order.

The rabbit-sized killer of children licked it’s big, pointy, teeth.

Little Suzy Jenkins had a problem with Easter. She was allergic to chocolate. Her parents had hidden boiled eggs all over their yard to be collected and painted later at the party. Her friends had been invited over. It was a sunny day.

Suzy’s was told that her boiled eggs were ‘special’. Bullshit, she thought.

Hundreds of tasty chocolate eggs were spread far and wide around the property of her parent’s bushy ranch for the other children to find. If any of the other kids found a ‘special’ egg, they were to pocket it and bring it back to the egg-painting competition for a prize. They were told to feel free to eat whatever chocolate they found.

Poor Suzy Jenkins.

Suzy was pouting on the front porch and drawing idly in the dirt with a stick when she heard the first scream.

It came from behind the house. She looked in the direction of the scream with her hand shading her eyes from the brilliant sun.

Peter Mooney stumbled around the corner of the house, eyes wide, futilely trying with his small fingers to keep the blue slippery ropes of his guts from sliding out of the open cavern of his stomach onto the dusty ground. It was a losing battle. A loop of bright mucus-wrapped intestine already dragged behind him, gathering leaves, sticks and, Suzy noted with concern, ants.

His lungs must have already been dislodged because all he could do was make fish-face noises as he walked past Suzy in a daze.

Several black blurs raced over the ground towards him like low-flying swallows. Rooster-tails of dust blossomed up behind them like they were miniature speedboats at full throttle across the lawn. They made a noise like power tools.

Several more screams echoed from the back of the house and a few from the neighbouring properties. Suzy could hear the parents talking inside the house, still oblivious to anything happening outside.

The black blurs converged on Peter Mooney’s ankles with a sizzling sound. Suzy heard the snapping of elastic bands as Peter’s Achilles tendons were cut. He went down with a sigh onto his knees before falling forward.

Before he hit the ground, the black shapes stopped racing and pricked up two long ears each.

Suzy was starting to register that something really different was happening. She brushed long blonde hair out of her large eyes. Suzy plucked a piece of dirt off of her blue dress and stared at the shapes.

It was like the long-eared shapes were listening for directions.

Suzy heard her friend Alison shriek out in the field like nothing she’d ever heard, even during her tantrums in class. The shriek cut off suddenly.

Suzy stood up to take a closer look at the long-eared shapes standing immobile around Peter’s twitching body.

Bunnies! They black shapes were bunnies!

With a joyous shout that turned all of the long ears towards her, she clapped her hands and jumped up and down on the porch.

She was special after all. All the kids that ate chocolate were being punished!

The parents inside had gone quiet. She could hear a newscaster on television frantically telling the audience something about last night’s meteor storm and children.

With two hops, the rabbits that had punished Peter turned towards Suzy and put their ears back. Four more rabbits came tearing around the corner of the house, arcing towards where Suzy was standing on the porch. The other black rabbits joined the pack in sprinting towards her.

Eights shades of death raced with abandon towards the last child left alive on the property.

Suzy crouched down with her arms outstretched to give all the bunnies hugs. She smiled wide. This was the best Easter ever!

Suzy heard her mother scream behind her.

The rabbits leapt off the ground and into Suzy's arms.


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