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It is with great shock that I have to say that I won the Annual Haiku Deathmatch here in Vancouver. It was an amazing series of bouts. Kelsey Savage and Martin Lunatech were wonderful attendants and Jill Binder was an incredible host.
I was up against a stranger in the first round and I really liked his stuff but the audience didn't.
After that, I was up against Fernando Raguero, last year's champion. We went back and forth. He's known for his dirty poems but he opened up with a really nice sentimental haiku so I gave him one back. After that, he went dirty so I served it back and I ended up taking him.
After that, I was up against RC Weslowski. A little terrifying. The man is a haiku beast. He just came in second down in St. Paul, Minnesota at the 2010 National Poetry Slam Haiku Deathmatch. That was a tight race but in the end, I squeaked by.
The last round for the championship was myself and Johnny Macrae, the champion at Finals Night back in June and member of the Vancouver Poetry Slam Team. That was a good bout but in the end, the audience voted me the winner with their applause.
I'm still pretty stunned about the whole thing. I feel weird that I beat the powerhouses that I did. I spent the day writing dirty haiku because it seems like the audience prefers them and it looks like I was right. Anyway, here are the seventeen haiku that I recited last night in no particular order. A few repeats from last year but mostly new.
Penis enlarger
Worked too well. Now I can make
Balloon animals
I kiss the bottle
And both of us get so drunk
That we feel empty
No. Cleveland steamer
Dirty sanchez donkey punch
Is my middle name.
Is it wrong to think
The best kind of three way is
Two girls and one cup
It turned out to be
An actual spitroast. I
Went home full but sad.
Her milkshake brought all
the boys to the yard but his
protein shake brought more
Toilet paper roll.
Sandpaper on the inside.
Still better than you
She thought I was weird
But I was just dyslexic
It’s not ‘96’
Harness, trapeze, gag
Blindfold, strap on, handcuffs,
No lube. Or safe word.
I painted my cock
To look like a cucumber,
Vegetarian.
Love is blind because
I held the fucker down and
Cut out both his eyes
Come and get me, babe.
In the old days, witches were
Tested by dunkin’.
When we first met, our
Seventy year old selves re
cognized each other
Pharmaceutical
Companies know cancer is
A growth industry
What I learned on sum-
mer vacation: It’s hard to
fuck in a hammock.
You are Medusa
Every time you look at me
I become rock hard
Today, I learned that
The devil doesn’t answer
Your prayers either
tags
I was up against a stranger in the first round and I really liked his stuff but the audience didn't.
After that, I was up against Fernando Raguero, last year's champion. We went back and forth. He's known for his dirty poems but he opened up with a really nice sentimental haiku so I gave him one back. After that, he went dirty so I served it back and I ended up taking him.
After that, I was up against RC Weslowski. A little terrifying. The man is a haiku beast. He just came in second down in St. Paul, Minnesota at the 2010 National Poetry Slam Haiku Deathmatch. That was a tight race but in the end, I squeaked by.
The last round for the championship was myself and Johnny Macrae, the champion at Finals Night back in June and member of the Vancouver Poetry Slam Team. That was a good bout but in the end, the audience voted me the winner with their applause.
I'm still pretty stunned about the whole thing. I feel weird that I beat the powerhouses that I did. I spent the day writing dirty haiku because it seems like the audience prefers them and it looks like I was right. Anyway, here are the seventeen haiku that I recited last night in no particular order. A few repeats from last year but mostly new.
Penis enlarger
Worked too well. Now I can make
Balloon animals
I kiss the bottle
And both of us get so drunk
That we feel empty
No. Cleveland steamer
Dirty sanchez donkey punch
Is my middle name.
Is it wrong to think
The best kind of three way is
Two girls and one cup
It turned out to be
An actual spitroast. I
Went home full but sad.
Her milkshake brought all
the boys to the yard but his
protein shake brought more
Toilet paper roll.
Sandpaper on the inside.
Still better than you
She thought I was weird
But I was just dyslexic
It’s not ‘96’
Harness, trapeze, gag
Blindfold, strap on, handcuffs,
No lube. Or safe word.
I painted my cock
To look like a cucumber,
Vegetarian.
Love is blind because
I held the fucker down and
Cut out both his eyes
Come and get me, babe.
In the old days, witches were
Tested by dunkin’.
When we first met, our
Seventy year old selves re
cognized each other
Pharmaceutical
Companies know cancer is
A growth industry
What I learned on sum-
mer vacation: It’s hard to
fuck in a hammock.
You are Medusa
Every time you look at me
I become rock hard
Today, I learned that
The devil doesn’t answer
Your prayers either
tags