A Child's Secrets

[skonen_blades]

You've started keeping secrets
Small things
But it's the beginning
Of feeling the pain of being a parent
Of being on the outside looking in
Of that separation

You are
of us
But you are steadily becoming more of
just you

The extension of trust is so important
Letting you have a secret is so important
Saying ‘okay’ and changing the subject
After you say you don’t want to talk about it
And making it look easy
Is very hard to do
And I want to do it

But it wrestles with my fear for your safety
And no one imagines the worst better
Than a parent

Of course I will respect you
Of course I’ll only press
A little (too much)

But it's so hard to feel
That you are now not ours
That you are now only yours

It's a wrenching that leads to an emptiness
That must be filled with something else
That has to be filled with something else
Before it takes over
And I push you away with my invasive questions
Before I break into a diary
And hate myself with every page I read

The process is slow
And resistance only worsens it
But I have to go with it

So I can be the place you want to come back to
And confide in
If you ever choose to


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