skonen_blades

This is the story of Dentist McGee
Who fixed every smile on every high sea
From his dentistry parlour in Openwide Bay
On Gummington Street and Flossington Way
In the small town of Sayaw just up on the coast
And he was the dentist that pirates liked most

When Dentist was younger, he worked in a city
Helping the folk keep their teethies all pretty
And hygiene in his part of town was pristine
Rarely a filling or drilling was seen
He polished for upkeep and handed out candy
The life of a city-boy dentist was dandy

He saved up a fortune and when he was old
He cashed it all in and he changed it to gold
And looked on a map for a quiet small town
Where he could retire and just settle down
And maybe fix teeth in a part-timey way
In the tranquil and sweet-smelling Openwide Bay

But little did Dentist McGee know back then
That he’d be a full-time tooth doctor again
That he’d be so busy he’d work overtime
That he’d be a lynchpin of nautical crime
That he’d be a dentist for sea privateers
That he’d become famous amongst buccaneers

For yanking, extracting, and cavity-filling
For polishing, scraping, injecting, and drilling
For implants and bridges and dentures and plates
For caring for teeth at quite reasonable rates
For life on the seas isn’t kind to our mouth
No matter the north hemisphere or the south

Scurvy can loosen the hold of the gum
So much that one sneeze and then whoops! Out they come
Salty air rots them and poor hygiene browns
In rum, wine, and coffee, a pirate mouth drowns
Pipes make a pirate grin yellow and old
And sugar’s a force more alluring than gold

But pirates don’t like to admit they’re in pain
They laugh at the loss of a limb and the gain
Of a hook for a hand or a peg for a leg
But pain in the tooth makes the strongest one beg
Every splash of hot wine, every breath of cold air
Is a reason to hold back a scream and to swear

The reason why pirates all come to McGee
Is because of some old maritime history
The fearsome Goldbeard landed here in the past
The most famous pirate and maybe the last
One to meet the King’s army out there on the sea
And win in a battle and claim victory

He stopped here and buried his cargo of gold
His plunder he stored and his jewels he all sold
Until his quadruple-sailed ship was so fast
That the wind would now sing through the ropes of the mast
The huge empty ship then sped quickly away
And hasn’t been heard from again to this day

So pirates came here and hoped some of the luck
Of Goldbeard rubbed off and then hopefully stuck
That bravery, courage, and valor to boot
They’d find here along with some part of his loot
His jewels and his gold and his plunder, it’s said
Lay here asleep in some long-buried bed

But no map was made with an obvious X
No simple riddle. No guidance complex.
So all pirates stop here to look and carouse
To truce and tell tales and trade stories and browse
To refresh supplies and to hire new crews
To rumour and hob nob and trade pirate news

And Dentist McGee, with his age and white hair
Found himself being the only one there
That knew how to fix the poor teeth of them all
So each single day he is packed wall-to-wall
A lineup that goes out the door to the street
They wait to be seen on their peg-legs and feet

They pay as they can. They give what they may.
So many currencies on any day
Galleons, coins and doubloons are exchanged
As wide-ranging dental-care plans are arranged
And those that lack coin offer plunder and rum
And rare souvenirs from the land they come from

Dentist McGee’s office now is a cave
Of pirate-themed randomness things that they gave
Of parrots and flags and antiques and old bones
Of cutlasses inset with bright precious stones
Business is booming so much that he’s had to
Expand to accommodate more. He’d be mad to

Not knock down the wall to another salon
Not teach and then take five apprentices on
Not get in some barbers and doctors as well
Not put in a bathroom to bathe off the smell
Not open a restaurant that serves up cuisine
Not open a mall like you’ve all never seen

So Dentist McGee ran a small pirate town
But the thing that gained Dentist McGee such renown
Were the dentures he made for the pirates he fixed
Of the textures he crafted and sculpted and mixed
He’d make a customized set just for you
A smile that gave you back confidence too

He made one set out of seashell and jade
He made some of pearl and he even made
Some dentures of tempered green glass like the sea
Some were encrusted all di-a-mon-dy
Some were bright metal with teeth meshed like gears
Some sets took fortnights and some sets took years

Some carved with skulls and some with card suits
Some with carved dragons right up to the roots
Some etched with poetry read with the tongue
Most just to make an old pirate look young
The teeth were expensive and quite stylized
Cared for and valued and coveted. Prized.

They came in tight-lipped and they left with a smile
And unknowingly McGee had, the whole while
Been changing the face of each wide shining sea
Changing the image of all piracy
For now pirates smiled and grinned on their ships
They no longer hid all their teeth with their lips

The pirate cliché of bad teeth was now fading
And Dentist McGee found himself now awaiting
The chance to retire again now for good
But maybe it’s not possible that he could
The pirates all know him and want him by name
He’s become somewhat trapped by his dentistry fame

He’s half-pirate now and he finds it bizarre.
He has a pet parrot. He’s fluent in arrrrr
But sometimes he wonders. Was it a mistake?
Was helping these pirates the best choice to make?
Was giving these pillagers pride and new life
A second-hand spreading of seafaring strife?

For pirates, when shameful, kept hid and alone
They flew the odd flag with its skull and its bone
But they didn’t have pride and the confidence to
Come out from the shadows and keenly pursue
In a way that felt history-changing at times
It was there in the sea-chanty piracy rhymes

Their confident smiles’ charisma became
The new pirate flag. The new pirate game.
Pirate ships swollen with volunteer crews
Were glutting the sea and then making the news
With their raids and their wins and their new victories
All of them smiling through their new piracies

So Dentist McGee felt quite guilty some days
But also quite destined that this, of all bays
Was where he quite randomly tried to retire
But fate and the sea and the pirates conspire
To make him quite rich and to change history
Through strange applications of weird dentistry.

So if you are ever in Openwide Bay
On Gummington Street and Flossington Way
In the town of Sayaw and you want to stop by
Put a limp in your step and a patch on your eye
Try to blend in with that new pirate style
And never be shy with a wink and a smile

And if you see Dentist McGee on a break
In his restaurant eating or trying to take
Just one tiny minute of calm in the storm
Then make sure your smile and greeting is warm
And give him a nod and I bet he’ll nod back
But leave him alone on his life’s bizarre track

And tell all your friends you saw Dentist McGee
The Seven Seas Pirate King of Dentistry
And get your teeth cleaned and buy one souvenir
And think to yourself you should go back one year
To the town of Sayaw in that bay on the coast
And the dentist that all of the pirates like most.


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