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skonen_bladesBeing a stand-up comic is hard but I was the best.
I won the reality show votes on International Comedy Idol and I became the world champion stand-up. Jim Carrey ate my dust. George Carlin took notes. Robin Williams stopped doing comedy and devoted himself to drama. Janeane Garofalo threw her panties at me. Bill Cosby retired. Steven Wright went into cardiac arrest. Eddie Izzard hung himself.
My jokes translated into other languages well. Roberto Benigni cried with joy at my antics.
It was time to take my act on the road. The true challenge. The Galaxy Circuit.
The axioms of a joke can change but there are universal variables that can be plugged into any joke. For instance:
Earth, specifically Vancouver:
What do Surrey kids get for Christmas? Langley kids’ bicycles.
Corcarroway – 5, outside the Crab Belt Nebulae, Fifth Moon
What do broodlings from the Orion Arm Nebulae get for Snabutal? Kursk Moon larvae’s flindars.
Earth, specifically LA
What does a Compton girl put behind her ears to pick up men? Her legs.
Danrrrr’kisk - backscratch, 2 AU up from Ursa’s Fang:
What does an upper atmosphere Kar-calon put behind her wing-udders to attract a mate? Her mandibular feeler trunk.
Earth:
Guy walks into his girlfriend’s room with a duck under his arm and says “This is the pig I’ve been fucking.”
His girlfriend says “That’s not a pig.”
The guy says “I was talking to the duck.”
Jandar Prime:
The fertilizing agent of the tri-bond walks into the sleep charnik with a snackler under each arm. He broadcasts “These are the wetpounds I’ve been floogling.”
The two egg carriers broadcast in unified confusion “Those aren’t wetpounds.”
The fertilizing agent of the tri-bond says, “I was talking to the snacklers.”
You see what I’m saying?
All of my jokes are old lemons based around silly, insulting plays on words and for the most part, they’re jokes based on the ‘bad part of town’ or the ‘next planet over that every one agrees sucks compared to this one’. Turns out that’s not just an Earth thing.
At least, that’s what I thought until today.
Taking pre-show notes, I asked the compere a few questions so that I could get some names and places to slip into my act.
“What’s the bad part of town here?” I asked.
“There is no bad part of town.” He replied through his nose flute.
“What section of your populace is looked down on?” I asked, thinking the compere had maybe misunderstood.
“There is none.” He replied happily.
I could see from his eyes that it was true. There had been a vibe ever since I’d gotten here that I couldn’t put my finger on and that was it. Mutual planetwide respect.
“How much does it cost to buy a house here?” I asked.
tags
I won the reality show votes on International Comedy Idol and I became the world champion stand-up. Jim Carrey ate my dust. George Carlin took notes. Robin Williams stopped doing comedy and devoted himself to drama. Janeane Garofalo threw her panties at me. Bill Cosby retired. Steven Wright went into cardiac arrest. Eddie Izzard hung himself.
My jokes translated into other languages well. Roberto Benigni cried with joy at my antics.
It was time to take my act on the road. The true challenge. The Galaxy Circuit.
The axioms of a joke can change but there are universal variables that can be plugged into any joke. For instance:
Earth, specifically Vancouver:
What do Surrey kids get for Christmas? Langley kids’ bicycles.
Corcarroway – 5, outside the Crab Belt Nebulae, Fifth Moon
What do broodlings from the Orion Arm Nebulae get for Snabutal? Kursk Moon larvae’s flindars.
Earth, specifically LA
What does a Compton girl put behind her ears to pick up men? Her legs.
Danrrrr’kisk - backscratch, 2 AU up from Ursa’s Fang:
What does an upper atmosphere Kar-calon put behind her wing-udders to attract a mate? Her mandibular feeler trunk.
Earth:
Guy walks into his girlfriend’s room with a duck under his arm and says “This is the pig I’ve been fucking.”
His girlfriend says “That’s not a pig.”
The guy says “I was talking to the duck.”
Jandar Prime:
The fertilizing agent of the tri-bond walks into the sleep charnik with a snackler under each arm. He broadcasts “These are the wetpounds I’ve been floogling.”
The two egg carriers broadcast in unified confusion “Those aren’t wetpounds.”
The fertilizing agent of the tri-bond says, “I was talking to the snacklers.”
You see what I’m saying?
All of my jokes are old lemons based around silly, insulting plays on words and for the most part, they’re jokes based on the ‘bad part of town’ or the ‘next planet over that every one agrees sucks compared to this one’. Turns out that’s not just an Earth thing.
At least, that’s what I thought until today.
Taking pre-show notes, I asked the compere a few questions so that I could get some names and places to slip into my act.
“What’s the bad part of town here?” I asked.
“There is no bad part of town.” He replied through his nose flute.
“What section of your populace is looked down on?” I asked, thinking the compere had maybe misunderstood.
“There is none.” He replied happily.
I could see from his eyes that it was true. There had been a vibe ever since I’d gotten here that I couldn’t put my finger on and that was it. Mutual planetwide respect.
“How much does it cost to buy a house here?” I asked.
tags
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Date: 6 Feb 2008 05:12 (UTC)nice.
no subject
Date: 6 Feb 2008 08:40 (UTC)But I couldn't resist making up crazy species and wacky words for the jokes on other planets.
I'm glad you liked it. Cheers.