Jack Relnick deputized his wife back in 1874 in one of the few remaining frontier towns. He did it as an anniversary present. It was against regulations then to let a woman be in the force but the town was small and peaceful. No one important in the big-city head office really cared to make an issue of it and she was well-liked by the townspeople. She became the deputy, organizing town meetings and such.
One day, a gang of loud-mouthed, hard-drinking thieves came through town, kidnapped two of the whores, shot the place up a bit, robbed the bank….
….and killed the sheriff.
They left town with the whores.
Jack Relnik’s wife’s name was Shannon. Her maiden name was Wedowitz. She dressed in black out of respect for her dead husband, including a pair of men’s trousers. The star hung shining on her left breast after she'd wiped her husband's blood off it and polished it some. Her eyes were shaded by her black hat. She took up smoking. She was never the same.
She tracked every single one of them sonsabitches down and killed them dead. She did so with a task force assembled from the town that was more than fifty percent women.
She became known as the Black Widow sheriff. Every woman in the town was an official deputy. She kept a few bucks back from the rescued cash and had tin deputy stars made for every woman in the town. Those stars are heirlooms now, proudly displayed in the homes of their descendants.
To this day, they put silver stars on the birth charts of little girls born in the town hospital.
2.
I think a cool name for a band would be Monsters With Timing.
The more I think about it, the better it gets. It might be one of those things, though, where you repeat a word over and over again and it becomes meaningless. Except the opposite. It gets cooler the more you think about it and read stuff into it. That’s what it does for me, anyway.
3.
The toothpaste commercials are very close to being soft-core pornography. Plaqteria dresses in tight pink leather and causes cavities. She has four hot minions named Sugar, Syrup, Sweetness and Saccharine. The run around in your mouth in every toothpaste commercial. It’s a lot of work, running around.
It’s hot in your mouth.
Here comes big strong Crest toothpaste with rippling pecs and a dazzling smile. He beats the minions down with just a shade too much needless violence. Having defeated them, he struggles with Plaqteria before seducing her with his brilliant blemish-free smile. They kiss and he starts to rub against her.
Her lips part. Her eyes widen while his eyes narrow.
Their rubs build in frequency and intensity. There is froth. They grimace in mutual animal ecstasy. They stop in a clinch. She dissolves with a satisfied scream a la the Wicked Witch.
Crest turns to the camera, pushes his now-damp hair back from his forehead and strikes the hero pose.
It’s worthy of note that in every toothpaste commercial, Crest is always played by a different actor but Plaqteria is always the same hot woman. She’s played this part for twenty years. Her old ads when she just started out are collector’s items.
There are unsubstantiated rumours of an old 8mm stag film that she starred in before getting the part.
4.
I want you to bring your passport, your plane ticket, your bus fare, your best sneakers or even your magic beans. I don’t care. But we’re getting the hell out of here.
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