skonen_blades

He had chess pieces tattooed on his knuckles, prison style.

Black on the one hand, outlines on the other. He had castles on the pinkies, knights on the ring finger, bishops on the middle, the queen on his left index finger, and the king on his right.

“No pawns.” he said, jutting his chin up with a mixture of pride and disgust, like it was self-explanatory.

He owned a two-story black houseboat moored at the wharf on the inlet. It had a lot of skylights but not many windows. He had a pornography studio set up on the top floor. Just a camera and a bed, really, but it paid the rent, he said.

The films he posted on the site were shot during sunny days. If it was dark or raining, he’d pull a vertical blind across the skylights and use cheap lights. It was no-frills. He treated the talent as fairly as a pornographer could.

After I’d known him for a while, he showed me his artistic streak. He’d rented two more cameras and shot a girl-girl-boy threesome with very athletic models under the skylights during a rainstorm. Using only available light, the blue bodies writhed around each other, oiled, with raindrops hitting them and pooling in their hollows. They shoved in and out of the shadows, moaning softer than the rain hitting the windows. The water ran off of six packs and flawless shoulders in a beautiful illusion.

He cut it together, some of it in slow motion, looped some of the sound, and added a slow-moving symphony soundtrack with some synth.

It was gorgeous. I begged him for a copy. He said no way. I was welcome to come over and watch it whenever, he said, but it wasn’t leaving the house. He was a little embarrassed by it, I think.

I told him that he should do stuff like that more often.

“Yeah, but it’d never sell,” he said with a laugh. “This is not the eighties.”

He had a laugh like a poodle whining, completely at odds with his huge, threatening, craggy body. He looked like he was carved from a mountain. I could picture his wrinkles filled with soil, leaves in his hair, dirt under his knuckles.

I got the feeling that he hated the city. He didn’t see anything wrong in what he was doing because he felt that everyone in the city was doing something similar, that all we city-dwellers were soulless and available for a price.

The houseboat gave him the illusion that he wasn’t really part of this stinking, money-infested metropolis, just attached to it.

I remember the footage of him being arrested. I remember him ‘giving the bishops’ to the news camera. Something about not filing his permits properly. It was strictly neighborhood watch stuff. They just didn’t want him around their daughters. He was out within a year but the houseboat was broken into while he was in prison. Cleaned out.

He packed it in after that. He moved up to a small town in the interior and got a job at a friend’s bar. That was the last I saw of him.

Right now, though, one year later, I’m staring at Christmas present. It’s a dvd with no label on it.

The card says that he hopes I have a Blue Christmas and then there’s a smiley face.



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Porn-again Christians.

You could spot them by the crucifix tattoos they had on their bellies just above the pubic hair.

In order to combat the rising tide of porn that debased women and spread godlessness, several of the most attractive young male and female Christian film students in Los Angeles got together and starting making pornographic films with real Christian values in mind.

It spread throughout the community and then from city to city.

The films featured married couples who loved each other having sex to make babies. There were no ‘money shots’ in their films. All the sex was unprotected but it was between couples that had been joined by the church. There were instructional scenes on exactly where the 'J-spot' was located in both sexes.

They would not swear or take the Lord’s name in vain during their scenes but they could scream or speak in tongues if the spirit moved them.

Some of the films were morality tales, showing actors having sex out of wedlock or with the same sex or in orgies and consequently dying of AIDS in artfully shot hospital beds. The sex scenes in these pieces were unusually graphic. The actors really gave themselves to the roles. They won awards.

There was also a lot of anal sex in the popular Before Marriage series. Some showed the virtues of not being vaginally penetrated before marriage by teaching the viewer proper blowjob and cunnilingus techniques.

The videos were blessed by the certain members of the clergy but not without controversy.

The videos are very popular.


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1.

Jack Relnick deputized his wife back in 1874 in one of the few remaining frontier towns. He did it as an anniversary present. It was against regulations then to let a woman be in the force but the town was small and peaceful. No one important in the big-city head office really cared to make an issue of it and she was well-liked by the townspeople. She became the deputy, organizing town meetings and such.

One day, a gang of loud-mouthed, hard-drinking thieves came through town, kidnapped two of the whores, shot the place up a bit, robbed the bank….

….and killed the sheriff.

They left town with the whores.

Jack Relnik’s wife’s name was Shannon. Her maiden name was Wedowitz. She dressed in black out of respect for her dead husband, including a pair of men’s trousers. The star hung shining on her left breast after she'd wiped her husband's blood off it and polished it some. Her eyes were shaded by her black hat. She took up smoking. She was never the same.

She tracked every single one of them sonsabitches down and killed them dead. She did so with a task force assembled from the town that was more than fifty percent women.

She became known as the Black Widow sheriff. Every woman in the town was an official deputy. She kept a few bucks back from the rescued cash and had tin deputy stars made for every woman in the town. Those stars are heirlooms now, proudly displayed in the homes of their descendants.

To this day, they put silver stars on the birth charts of little girls born in the town hospital.


2.

I think a cool name for a band would be Monsters With Timing.

The more I think about it, the better it gets. It might be one of those things, though, where you repeat a word over and over again and it becomes meaningless. Except the opposite. It gets cooler the more you think about it and read stuff into it. That’s what it does for me, anyway.


3.


The toothpaste commercials are very close to being soft-core pornography. Plaqteria dresses in tight pink leather and causes cavities. She has four hot minions named Sugar, Syrup, Sweetness and Saccharine. The run around in your mouth in every toothpaste commercial. It’s a lot of work, running around.

It’s hot in your mouth.

Here comes big strong Crest toothpaste with rippling pecs and a dazzling smile. He beats the minions down with just a shade too much needless violence. Having defeated them, he struggles with Plaqteria before seducing her with his brilliant blemish-free smile. They kiss and he starts to rub against her.

Her lips part. Her eyes widen while his eyes narrow.

Their rubs build in frequency and intensity. There is froth. They grimace in mutual animal ecstasy. They stop in a clinch. She dissolves with a satisfied scream a la the Wicked Witch.

Crest turns to the camera, pushes his now-damp hair back from his forehead and strikes the hero pose.

It’s worthy of note that in every toothpaste commercial, Crest is always played by a different actor but Plaqteria is always the same hot woman. She’s played this part for twenty years. Her old ads when she just started out are collector’s items.

There are unsubstantiated rumours of an old 8mm stag film that she starred in before getting the part.


4.

I want you to bring your passport, your plane ticket, your bus fare, your best sneakers or even your magic beans. I don’t care. But we’re getting the hell out of here.


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